Super Tips for Attending a Super Bowl Party

By Drew Davidson

Let’s face it:  You’re a cool person.  Ergo, you will be invited to a Super Bowl party.  It’s just something that happens to cool people.  And unless you are going to be a supremely awesome individual and host the shindig for the Big Game – which would give you the kingly power to determine the hipness of your circle of friends – you will attend.  Even if you think the term “pigskin” refers to the latest food truck item that hipsters are into these days instead of the object that gets flung around the field, you will nonetheless be compelled to show up and hang.  There’s no fighting this; it’s just the way it is, unless you want to spend the entire football off-season explaining why you weren’t at so-and-so’s Super Bowl party to people; folks who may end up thinking that you’re a bit of a dork because you weren’t there.

Since you are going – remember, you’re cool and all – it may do you well to take note of some basic Super Bowl party expectations; universal truths that you will be sure to encounter no matter who is hosting the happening or where it is located. 

First of all, you will run into at least one guy wearing a too-tight football replica jersey.  You will be able to spot him easily, as his fingers may be a bright shade of orange by the third quarter.  When you see this, don’t be freaked out, as the weird hue is nothing more than an unfortunate by-product of the metric ton of Doritos that he started consuming before the national anthem.  While you may be afraid of him at first, it may be in your best interest to form an allegiance with him sooner than later.   Think about it; the chances that he knows more about the game of football than you do is practically a given.  Therefore, he may be an important figure to listen to, especially if you forget who’s actually playing in the game by the end of the first quarter.

That being said, you do owe it to yourself to at least be familiar with whom the combatants are when you walk through the door, because there will always be at least one person at the party who will be deeply offended if you don’t possess such information.  And don’t just blindly assume that the person capable of such umbrage is your new friend sporting the cling-wrap jersey and Dorito dust fingertips.  It could be the clean-cut host whose favorite childhood team is just one game away from winning the title game, which is why he had you over in the first place.  So just know who’s playing before you head on over (it’s the New England Patriots and the New York Giants this year, by the way.  You’re welcome).

Also, don’t expect healthy snacks.  Just don’t.  You may be a part of your wellness committee at your office, or you may not have had a soda for the past seven years, or you can’t remember the last time you actually bought chips and salsa at the grocery store.  That’s great and all, but just know the rules for healthy living will not apply to whatever Super Bowl party you go to.  At least, the ones that people want to go to.  The sooner you realize that there may not be any carrots or celery sticks to munch on during the contest, the more comfortable you’ll be.  And if you try to be a little proactive and actually bring healthy snacks to the Big Game, don’t feel too crushed if the vast majority of what you brought ends up going back home with you.  In fact, you should expect this scenario to play out.  If it does, you kinda deserved it.  (Broccoli at a Super Bowl party?  What were you thinking?)

Of course, eating poorly won’t be the only scandalous activity that you will encounter, for there will be some sort of gambling afoot.  It could be one guy that went to Vegas and placed $50 on Giants to win it all before the season started.  Or it could be the host put together one of those numbered grids, where people buy squares and hope for a certain score to hit at the end of a quarter.  Whatever form it takes, some money will be changing hands.  Not that this is a bad thing, of course.  Especially if you are one of the people receiving funds rather than distributing them. 

But let’s say you come to the party wager-free, you get the sudden itch to bet on something, and all of the squares in the host’s pool have been snapped up.  There is still a way for you to get on the gambling action without having to resort to the perils of online betting.  All you have to do is go up to someone right after the National Anthem and bet him or her an indiscriminate amount of cash that the first Super Bowl commercial to be shown during the game will be a Bud Light ad.  If the person decides to accept your challenge, all you have to do is sit back and wait until the money gets placed in your hand.  You see, Bud Light ads are always the first Super Bowl commercial; it’s practically a tradition.  And seeing as how Bud Light is the official beer sponsor of the NFL, there’s no reason to expect that this will change until the Anheuser-Busch Corporation somehow manages to discontinue the product within the next couple weeks.  Now, please realize that we’re not trying to say that it’s a sure bet.  Rather, we’re telling you it’s a sure bet rather directly.  In fact, make this bet your mission.  Just be sure to thank us later when you have succeeded in winning the wager.  We don’t ask for much, honestly. 

Of course, with all this said, there is still the off chance that you may not get invited to any Super Bowl party.  If this happens, don’t think for a minute that it is because you aren’t cool.  You are, probably.  Your invitation probably got lost in the mail or was eaten alive by your spam folder.  At least, that’s what you can tell yourself if it makes you feel better.