Getting into the Swing: Unofficial Golfing Rules for the New and the Rusty

There was a time in my life where I played golf.  Then again, it may not have been golf.  Yes, the object of the sport I used to partake in involved the swinging of clubs at hard dimpled spheres, with the intention of propelling them onto fairways of varying slopes and tightly trimmed greens.  However, the level of ineptitude that befouled my game was so high, to call what I did “golf” may be construed as an insult to people who actively pursue the endeavor with full gusto.  Seriously, watching me try my hand at golf was like observing a flautist attempting to play “Wipeout” on the drums while using cellos as drumsticks.   Hell, it was possibly even worse than that.

Whatever the heck it was I did out there, I nonetheless have some pretty fond memories about the times I spent on the golf course.  So much so, that despite the fact that I may have sounded like an embittered duffer in my opening ramble, I would not be opposed to grabbing my long-neglected sticks and embarrassing myself again.  The reason for this is simple; as most amateur golfers will concede, the joys of spending a morning or an afternoon traipsing around a golf course do not have all that much to do with the actual game itself.  Rather, they involve things like marveling at the beauty of meticulously sculpted grounds, spending time with cherished friends, and indulging in a couple of cool beers under the sun’s intensive scrutiny.  Of course, hitting a couple killer shots along the way doesn’t exactly hurt this vibe, either.  Or so I’ve been told.

If you are new to the game, or if you are ready to rekindle an interest in the sport after years of allowing your clubs to acquire cobwebs, please be cognizant of the fact that this communal happiness will not come easily.  Indeed, there are a few basic guidelines that any newbie or rusted golfer should adhere to in order to maximize the innate pleasures of the course.  These mandates are not to be confused with the measures of etiquette that are carried by the kinds of high-end courses that fill the pages of the golfing magazines that clutter doctors’ offices.  Rather, their primary function is to keep a smile firmly etched on your face even as you conduct a madcap search for that ball you unwittingly sliced into the heavy rough.  Moreover, adherence to these simple principles may be the difference between you eagerly looking forward to your next round and you having to eventually concede to your significant other that you were an idiot for shelling out top dollar for the throng of Pings that are collecting arachnid butt art in the corner of the garage.

First and foremost, accept that you are going to suck.  Really suck.  It doesn’t matter if you were the starting quarterback in high school, or if you went to college on a soccer scholarship, or that you can routinely reduce the digitized version of the TPC course at Sawgrass into a withered lawn whenever you play Tiger Woods PGA Golf on the X-Box.  Golf is hard.  Damn hard.  What’s more, golf courses do not give two shakes about your other athletic prowess, be it real or fake.  Their only concern is to challenge you to the point where you start wondering why you thought about trudging upon its nicely manicured lawn in the first place.  It may be difficult to comprehend this if you are athletically gifted, especially seeing as how there are quite a few portly blokes out there that posses PGA Tour cards.  But just accept that the first few times you play aren’t going to be pretty. 

Now, before you put this acknowledgement of ineptitude in action on a full-fledged course, it would behoove you to hit a couple buckets of balls before you hit the links.  It’s a given that when you pick up the necessary tools for golf, you will most likely be tempted by the notion of rushing out to the nearest course and firing through a round.   However, lead yourself not into temptation.  Ease into the golfing experience by going to a cheap, nondescript driving range.  By doing so, you can figure out the basic elements of the game like your swing, stance, and grip in an informal, judgment-free zone.  Yes, it’s unglamorous and repetitive, and you won’t be privy to the visual aesthetic that makes for a huge chunk of the game’s charm.  But doing this rudimentary task will make you feel a lot less nervous and awkward when you step up to the box and tee off for the first time.  Plus, it will greatly assist in helping you look like you kind of know what you are doing. 

When you are ready to make that leap into a real game, stick to somewhere inexpensive.  Orange County is blessed with some of the most breathtaking golf courses a person can visit.  We’re talking about courses whose names even non-golfers know about; places like Pelican Hill, Monarch Beach Golf Links, and Tijeras Creek.  However, if your game is in the beginning or dormant stage, stay far away from these admittedly gorgeous courses.  There is an obvious rule of thumb when it comes to golf courses – the prettier they are, the more it will cost you to play.  Since it’s already been established that your first few golf outings are going to be on the rough side, the act of shelling out upwards of triple digits for the privilege to stink up the joint will only frustrate you and drive you away from the sport.  Instead, stick to a budget-friendly public course or a shorter, cheaper executive course for the first few rounds until your game starts showing signs of improvement.  Even then, make sure you are absolutely comfortable with your game before you make the leap – the prettiness of a course is oftentimes directly proportional to its difficulty.

If you are planning on plunging into the world of golf with some friends, be sure that you familiarize yourself with “Caddyshack.”  I am absolutely not joking.  You may find it silly, and admittedly, it does look like a rather goofy guideline.  However, it’s inevitable that lines from this venerable comedy cult classic will be uttered at various portions of the afternoon within your foursome.  Heck, chances are you won’t escape the first hole without someone saying “Be the Ball” or “It’s in the cup, it’s in the hole.”  It would behoove you to be prepared to play along, even if that means going to IMDB.com, memorizing a few choice lines, and faking your way through the round.  With all that said, be strongly advised to pick your spots to blurt out the quotes.  Don’t be the guy who appears to be incapable of doing nothing apart from spewing chunks of dialogue about golfing with the Dali Lama for three hours.  The occasional verbal access to Carl Spackler’s sage Zen is awesome, but by the time you utter, say, “Gunga Galunga” for the 40^th time, your buddies may feel the urge to wring your proboscis through the ball washing mechanism.  Much like in most cases in life, moderation here is the key.

As far as actually golfing on a course goes, I will freely admit that I do not have a whole lot of practical advice on how to play the sport (remember – Flautist.  “Wipeout.”  Cellos.)  Nevertheless, if there is any nugget of strategic wisdom that I could pull from the vortex of my own ineptitude it would be this:  Celebrate the game’s little accomplishments.  You know, like hitting more than two fairways during a round.  Trust me, you will find joy in such elementary occurrences, so revel in them as they happen.  The best way to accomplish this is to approach a golf course in the same manner as an amateur distance runner approaches a race.  Much like the runner is dueling with the course and not with the surrounding participants, you are engaged in a battle with the course.  As such, you should strive for your personal best at all times.  Will this method allow you to threaten the course record?  Of course not.  But it will help you feel thrilled when you finally land a tee shot in the fairway after several holes of slicing failures. 

If you stick to these simple directives, you stand an excellent chance of finding a level of pleasure strong enough to lure you into a return visit.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I suddenly have this urge to go to my garage and dust off my golf bag.

 By Rich Manning     

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